Why Medical Matins was private, even after residency was over

As you may have read, this blog was private from December 2017 to February 2020. While I was thus censored by my institution, I continued smilingly recruiting for it, and then serving as a chief resident. It made the last year and a half of residency (already difficult because of the responsibilities of the role of an upper-level resident, the added weight of administrative chief duties, and the process of applying for fellowships) a white martyrdom.

Inside the Student Jail, Heidelberg, Germany.
CC License. Wikimedia Commons.

Gradually I opened up to more people about this event. But during it, I could tell few people how painful this was: two friends in the residency, one attending who happened to also be a personal friend, my family, and a few friends outside the program. I want to share a short post which was originally written on March 23, 2018. Writing this post two years ago, during outward silence, felt like scrawling on the walls of a strange prison. The topic of the post was what I should do with the now-private Medical Matins.

What should I do with the blog itself? I am tempted to post a lot of very unedited content while the blog is private, then launch it again as public when I am no longer employed by this institution (and no longer bound by amiable agreement not to publish it). I am tempted to leave the blog derelict, floating in the massive amount of online content, for others to find. I want this so that I don't have to do any more work, and yet so that others can think well of me if they find the good things available on the blog. 

I know derelict internet things die, and I don't want Medical Matins to die. It's a helpful outlet for me. The blog gives me an occasion to pray the litany of humility (which I set as the default text of each post before I replace it with the actual content of the post), and then organize my thoughts and prioritize my emotions using the blog.

And I think Medical Matins is good for others. At least half a dozen (I've never counted and I'm trying not to over-estimate) medical students and others have contacted me through this site to ask about pro-life and pro-NFP residency. And it's been found by others who have disagreed, and resulted in dialogue.

So why, you might ask, didn't the blog pop back up in July 2019 after I graduated from residency? Well, at the close of residency, I didn't ever want to fight anyone, ever, again. I didn't want to be called into offices, I didn't want to give explanations, I didn't want to be chastised. I didn't want to diplomatically meet with others about whether my chastisement was just. I didn't want to write letters and discuss issues. To show you why I felt so deeply cowed, here is some more writing from March 2018, three months after I took down Medical Matins. I wrote this post into a draft which remained unpublished for the past two years. (It's also important that you know that I wrote it after a long week of nights, and after some additional personal disappointments, and I know my emotional milieu was messy.)

Should I continue blogging? It has caused me so much pain. This is a blog about my experiences, and I always return to that mission when I feel like a post has strayed. And the experience of my blog being censored is one of the most painful experiences of my residency. Why would I not write about it? Why would I not continue to write after this censorship is over?

I'll tell you why. I am an introvert, I am vain, and I am proud. This is a terrible combination in someone made to fulfill a public vocation, to train long into adulthood and be corrected by others, and to witness publicly to unpopular truths in an unfriendly culture. My introversion and faults are punishingly heavy because of my recent mistakes and failures, with a background of my censorship and another large-scale issue that I might open up about soon. My soul's problems can be a prison, without anyone's censorship! A prison that I am sadly used to, and one that I am striving to grow out of. The introvert grows quickly exhausted with people, and the vain person grows depressed and angry with failure. Perfectionist, the vain and proud cannot cope with failure. So I walk into a prison of my own making whenever I am corrected, disliked, or discovered as less-than. This is one reason why I don't think I can restart MM--I can't spring back when I have so many prison doors between me and the future.

Dore's depiction of Lucifer, as described by Dante in the Inferno.
CC License. Wikimedia Commons 

Faith shows the reality in all this turmoil. Humility makes me acknowledge that yes, I am correctable, not always likeable, and lesser in many ways. But Christ welcomes me in my humility and does not wait for me to become loveable to embrace me. In a way, I say "Thank God!" because to be loved before becoming worthy of love is a warm relief in the coldness of others' disapproval. But in a way, my pride interferes with God's unconditional love and says "But I want to perfect in se, I want to be admirable before I approach God." 

I stand where Satan stood, able to lock myself into a self-made prison. Let me avoid it. I must let go of the desire for any merit in myself and only look to love God and find comfort in doing His Will. If I do this, I will find strength to fight again. I will find the ability to restart MM if that is what God wants.

Inside the Templar's Prison.
CC License. Wikimedia Commons

Let's pull up that litany of humility one more time:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Please pray for me as I continue occupying this small part of the internet with my own opinions, for my own good and perhaps the good of others.